Holes

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There are holes in my brain.

Blank spots in my memory –

Places I avoid thinking too hard about.

I’m scared to dig too deep –

Press too hard –

Shine the light into those dark spots.

I have an inkling of what resides there,

Enough to fear opening the doors.

They hide away all the bad,

The wrong,

The hurt and the pain and everything

So taboo my skin crawls.

I don’t talk about them;

Talking leads to thinking –

Thinking might open those holes,

Might let out the bad things:

Thoughts and memories –

Sounds and images –

The feels.

Abandoned,

Unworthy,

Loved for the wrong reasons.

Night should bring darkness,

Peace,

But it lightens those holes

Showing glimmers of their depths –

The secrets they hide away.

Sleep evades me as I push it all further down.

I sink deeper as they grow,

Hiding away more and more.

I scream at the loss of innocence,

But there they stay.

These holes in my brain.

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